For many decades, corporal punishment has been controversial. This is especially true among Christian families. Proponents of corporal punishment often quote passages from the Old Testament’s book of Proverbs. The phrase “spare a rod, spoil a child” is not found in Scripture. This is a quote taken from a 17th-century Englishman’s “Hudibras” satirical poetry. It was likely inspired by Proverbs 13:24. “Whoever spares a rod hates his children. But the one who loves his children is careful to punish them.
As Christian parents, we understand the importance of teaching our children to love God and obey His Word. It can be confusing to try to follow Scripture and also be mindful of trauma. We were all raised by parents who spanked their children. Now we think, “We did fine,” or, “The Bible says to spank!”. Spanking can be a physical way to deal with inappropriate behavior.
Our children may be more afraid of rigid punishments based on rules if they have been traumatized in a relationship. This can complicate our efforts to build trust and attachment. According to a 2005 Harvard University Study, children who are fostered in the United States suffer from post-traumatic disorder (PTSD) twice as often as combat veterans. We must be aware of our actions and words in every interaction with children. We must use Scripture wisdom to help our wounded children make healing connections, pointing them to Jesus Christ’s love and hope.
The Bible and Discipline: What we don’t see
What does God’s Word say about Spanking? Nothing! Strangely, there are no recorded examples of children being spanked by the Bible. The word “spank,” in fact, does not appear in any of the Scriptures.
The Bible’s Discipline: What we see in
To fully understand discipline and how to implement it, we must use all of God’s Word. We must consider the context of the verse and how it fits in the larger biblical picture. The book of Proverbs does not fall under the category of history or law. The book of Proverbs is part of a literary genre within the Bible called “poetic” or “wisdom.”
Proverbs’ wise sayings are not to be interpreted the same way as explicit commands. The Proverbs contain divine guidance and shrewd observations, which are not necessarily inflexible laws.
In this context, we can look at the verses (Proverbs 23:13 and 29:15) that mention using a rod to discipline children. The Hebrew word for the rod is “Shebet.” It was used as a staff, club, or wand in these verses. The “sheet is used in Psalm 23 to represent support, guidance, and divine strength. The translation of Proverbs 13:24 could be, “He who does not support his son hates them; but the one who loves them is diligent in disciplining him through instruction, training, and nurture.”
The emphasis is on loving correction rather than a particular form of it. The focus is on loving discipline rather than any specific type of correction. Similar sayings show that the main issue is instruction, and not the method used to achieve it .”
The Discipleship model as a tool
Biblical discipline is a relationship-based form of instruction. The word “disciple” is the root of discipline, which comes from the Latin disciples, meaning “student.” This discipleship model requires patience, connection to the Lord and children, searching for meaning behind behaviors, modeling, teaching, and guiding. Instead of focusing on punishment and what to avoid, discipleship values transform from the inside. True discipline teaches not only the wrong way to do something but also the correct way to do it next time.
Understanding how Jesus guides us and teaches reverence to our children is essential.
What if Spanking is not an option?
It is not whether our child will show behavioral challenges like defiance, disrespect, and disobedience but when. Children at risk often don’t respond well to the traditional methods of disciplining because their brains have been stuck in survival mode. Children who feel threatened or afraid have difficulty learning new skills. The late Dr. Karyn Purvis and Dr. David Cross pioneered Trust-Based Relational Intervention (r) to provide adoptive and foster families with new discipline techniques for vulnerable children. The TBRI maintains a warm and loving relationship between parent, child, and teacher throughout the entire discipline process.
The following are some helpful TBRI(r) tips
- Keep in mind to look at your child with compassion.
- The correction of your child’s behavior must always be rooted in connection.
- Ask yourself two questions when you observe poor behavior.
- What does my child’s behavior really say?
- What is the real need of my child?
- Use the “IDEAL approach” to respond:
- I–immediately. Within 3 seconds, you must respond to the inappropriate behavior.
- Directly your child by making eye contact, paying undivided focus, and drawing them closer to you.
- E–efficiently. Use as little firmness, correction effort, and words as possible.
- Use the correct alternative behavior to guide your child in a physical “do-over” situation.
- L– aimed not at your child but the behavior. Even when a behavior is not acceptable, your child will never be rejected.
- Playfully engage in mild challenges. Use a lighthearted tone and ask good-natured, joking questions (“Whoa!” You can help the child to remember and correct their mistakes by using a calm manner, as well as asking good-natured questions (“Whoa!
Taking Personal Inventory
Parents must be fully present at all times when discipline problems arise. Ask yourself the following questions to take a personal inventory.
- Does this concern me or my child?
- Do I discipline in anger?
- Do I care what other people think about me or my parenting more than the needs of my child?
- How can I help my child make a better choice next time by using my discipline?
- What is my main goal? What is my primary goal?
- What basic message am I sending to my child? Is my child trying to hurt me, or am I doing it together with him?
Healing will not be a quick or simple process. The Bible makes it clear that God wants us to correct children. Ephesians 6.4 reminds us that the ultimate purpose of discipline is to teach and train our children.
