I’ll never forget when I crashed headfirst into my most frustrating parenting problem to date: My daughters were ignoring me. I could tell them five times to do anything–get dressed, turn off the TV, brush their teeth–and they either didn’t hear me or didn’t listen. So I’d tell them five more times, louder and louder. It seemed the only way I could inspire my then 6-year-old and 4-year-old to action was if I yelled like one of The Real Housewives of New Jersey and then threatened to throw their blankies away.
This behavior didn’t demonstrate the kind of parent I wanted to be. But their inability to listen or even acknowledge my husband and me made us feel powerless. While walking through Target one Saturday, I heard no fewer than five parents say some variation of, “If you don’t start listening, we’re walking out of this store right now!”
I recognized that at least part of the problem was me. After much lamenting about my unhoned parenting skills, I got lucky: A friend’s mom mentioned what she called “the Bible” on the subject: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. When I checked it out, I saw an accompanying DIY workshop for $130. Granted, the authors are parents, not child psychologists or toddler whisperers. But the book was a national best-seller, and parents continue to host workshops using the authors’ ideas, so I thought it might be worth a try.
To see if their advice still held up, I wrangled four equally desperate mom buddies and ordered the workshop. I got two CDs and a guide with directions for leading the group. We met every Tuesday night in my living room for seven weeks, spending much of our 90-minute sessions talking about our struggles with listening-challenged kids.
We followed along as actors played out scenarios on the CD, did some role-playing of our own, and completed weekly homework assignments, such as reading parts of How to Talk and Liberated Parents, Liberated Children by the same authors, and then applying our new communication skills IRL.
Here’s what we learned about improving our communication so that our kids are more likely to listen, courtesy of our How to Talk workshop and informal group therapy sessions.
Say It With a Single Word
Say it with a single word is a tactic to keep your requests brief. It fights the urge to offer lengthy explanations that often make parents feel exasperated and exhausted.
The situation
At the time, my daughters had only one assigned chore: to carry their plates to the sink when they were done eating. Still, not a night went by when I didn’t need to tell them to do it, sometimes three times. But even that didn’t guarantee they would. The worst part? I’d usually end up taking care of their plates myself.
The old way
After they ignored my repeated commands, I’d sit my kids down and preach for 10 minutes about how I wasn’t their servant and our house wasn’t a restaurant.
The better way
Kids usually know what they’re supposed to do; they need some simple reminding. “They’ll tune you out when you go on and on,” Faber told me. “Instead, try just one word to jog their memory.”
The result
After dinner one night, all I said was “plates.” At first, the girls looked at me as if I were speaking in another language. But a second later, they picked them up and headed for the kitchen.
After roughly a month of reinforcement, I no longer needed to say anything; they were doing it automatically. “Teeth!” worked equally well for getting them to brush, as did “shoes” to replace my old morning mantra: “Find your shoes and put them on; find your shoes and put them on.”
And when I heard my oldest screaming, “Give me that!” I said, “Nice words” (OK, that’s two words). I practically fainted when she said, “Would you please give that to me?
Empower Your Kid
Empowering your child to listen can begin with a change in your mindset. For example, instead of issuing commands, provide information. Kids, like adults, naturally want to know why something is necessary. Giving this information can encourage kids to comply.
The situation
My friend Michele had just served lunch when, as was her habit, her then 2-year-old jumped off her chair. Then she climbed back on, turned around, stood up, and stomped on the cushion.
The old way
When her child wouldn’t respond to a patient, “You need to sit still,” Michele would get annoyed and say something like, “How hard is it to understand? You must sit down!” Her daughter would cry but still not sit. Ultimately, she’d get a time-out, which didn’t change her behavior.
The better way
State the facts instead of constantly issuing commands. “Who doesn’t rebel against constant orders?” asks Faber. (I know I do.) Kids aren’t robots programmed to do our bidding. They need to exercise their free will, which is why they often do exactly the opposite of what we ask them to do.
The trick is to turn your directive into a teaching moment. So instead of, “Put that milk away,” you might say: “Milk spoils when it’s left out.” This approach tells a child, “I know that when you have all the information, you’ll do the right thing,'” Faber explains.
The result
The next time Michele’s toddler played jungle gym at mealtime, Michele took a calming breath and then said, “Honey, chairs are meant for sitting.” Her child smiled, sat down, and then started eating. “That [had] never happened before,” Michele reported. She still had to remind her daughter now and then, but in the end, her toddler began to listen.
The technique applies to other situations as well. For example, rather than saying, “Stop touching everything,” Michele began pointing out, “Those delicate things can break very easily.” Ditto for “Legos belong in the green bin so you can find them the next time you want to play with them” and “Unflushed toilets get stinky.”
